Happy [entries|friends|calendar] kaitparker24 [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[27 Nov 2007|10:03pm] [ mood | cheerful ]  The past two days have been good. I don't know why, there is no reason. I'm just happy. I love it. Thanksgiving was exactly what I was expecting. It was fine until we sat down to eat. I don't know about your family, but my family does the whole 'this is what I'm thinkful for...' thing. I hate it. Papa has been gone for years, but he always gets brought up. I miss him like crazy, but why would we want to bring him up when we're supposed to be happy? Someone always cries, usually Uncle Steve. This year was the worst.  My dad is dieing. He just is, its a fact. We all know, so why do they feel the need to dwell on it? Why did every single person at the table have to say 'I'm thankful that we can all be here this year' or 'I'm thankful Kenny has made it this long'. Why did my uncle actually have to say 'Ken, I know this is your last Thanksgiving, but I'm glad you've made it this long.' WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY THAT? I love my family. I love my dad. I didn't want to spend Thanksgiving having everybody talking about how weird its going to be next year. ITS NOT NEXT YEAR. ITS THIS YEAR.  HE IS STILL HERE. Why do we have to always talk about how he's not going to be here? He knows it, we know it. Stop talking about it. Anyway. Thanksgiving was fine I guess. I feel really bad because I spent the whole weekend either working or with Dallas. It wouldn't have mattered except that Sara and Bob were here. I ditched them =[. Unintentionally, but I did. I worked all day Friday, then went to the dinner like I promised him I would. That was fine. But then I worked all day Saturday and hung out with him afterward. I didn't need to do that. They are my family. I don't regret hanging out with him, except that family should come first. I hope they can forgive me. I'm really nervous about Christmas. I have no money at all. And I have over twenty people to buy gifts for. I hope nobody minds socks and cranberry sauce...? But it'll be okay, it always is. I was supposed to get a laptop from everyone as my Christmas/graduation present since I'm graduating in January. But my dad decided to get me something else instead. Which is fine, except that I've never expressed any interest in this thing. Its impractical, and I need a laptop for college. Speaking of college, oh my gahd. I got a list of classes I have to take for my major. Dallas and Sara told me they won't be that bad, but I'm still scared shitless. I'm meeting with a PCC Academic Advisor on Thursday to register for my math class. Then I'll be an official college student. I'm nervous. Winter term starts January 7, but I don't graduate until January 25. But it'll be okay! I'll finish up my math Winter term, then be at Western in the spring. I know people are skeptical, but it will happen. I promised myself. It seems like I've been complaining, huh? You're right. But I'm happy with my life, for the most part. Yea, I wish my dad wasn't sick and Dallas wasn't scared and school was easier. But in the long run, I've got it pretty good. No reason to screw it up, is there? post comment

[14 Nov 2007|11:38am] So we're over, for now. Its okay, we'll both be fine. I'm feeling good. You can look for someone else without feeling guilty. No more using eachother :) I just can't try anymore. Like you said, its all or nothing. And boo, I'm worth it all. So bye for now, lets hope fate is good to us again. post comment

[29 Oct 2007|06:48pm]   I don't even know what to say to you anymore. I would have forgiven you. I probably wouldn't have been that upset, to be honest. I understand better than you think. What I can't get over is that you lied to my face about it. I can forgive almost anything, hell I forgave you for your actions the same night you told me. Except you lied about it. Maybe you're right, maybe we shouldn't have broken up. But we did, and I'm the one that got hurt. I'm not even mad though. Seriously, everyone makes mistakes. The difference is that you made the same mistake several times. LEARN. The worst part is that I still miss you. But I want you to be happy. I know that I can make you happy. Since you've forgotten that though, all I can say is good luck in finding someone that you think will. I know I'm still better. And thats what matters right? Because as insecure as I am, I'll always know that I'm worth more than you think. So I'm not mad at you, no. I just want you to remember how great we were everytime you start to regret me. So I wrote that a couple weeks ago, but it still rings true. Well, kinda. How can I possibly be done with you? There is no way lol. But I won't let you regret me. We can fight and hate eachother all we want, but you can't ever regret me. That is the ultimate insult to me, and I won't have it. But I love that we're okay now. Yea, we both know it sucks that we're apart. But how many times have I told you that it's going to be alright? We can handle it. We're both worth it. We're perfect in an unperfect way. I know everyone says I should quit you, but how could I? I have to make my own mistakes, but I know you aren't a mistake. You know this is your last chance and I know you'll do anything to not mess up. And I love that you won't let me make you feel bad about what happened. Don't ever let me walk all over you. Those snide comments? They are unintentional, I promise. But you're right to tell me to stop it. There is no need. You feel guilty and I don't want you to anymore. We are going to be fine, boo :) post comment

[13 Oct 2007|11:30pm]  Wow. I am so tired of me. I did something stupid last night. I said something I shouldn't have said. When is it going to click? We aren't dating. I have no right to say anything to you. You don't have to come and visit me. I don't get to make you feel bad. But you don't get to make me feel bad either. Yea, when we're together, its perfect. I'm sorry I can't drive yet. BUT YOU CAN. You can see me, you just choose not to. And thats okay, because we aren't dating. You have no obligation to me. Which is why I feel so stupid. Why do I need you to convince me that I'm not crazy? That we really did have something once? I don't want to miss you. I don't want to feel like this. And all I can say is thank you for putting up with me for this long. post comment

[08 Oct 2007|06:46am] So it took a while, but I realized something last night. I'm better than her. I've never lied or hurt you. So for you to go back to her would be a huge mistake, and you know that. I'm not going to sit here and worry about her anymore. Sure I'd be sad that you didn't think I was good enough, but we both know that I am. So its your loss. And I'm not going to sit around and wait for you to figure that out. post comment

[05 Oct 2007|03:33pm]  Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. What am I supposed to do? I'm an idiot. I am so freaking stupid. I'm back to this caring too much thing. That thing where I can't get over some stupid fucking boy that has OBVIOUSLY gotten over me. What the hell is wrong with me? Why would you want someone that doesn't want you? Is this a weird teenage form of masochism? Or am I just CRAZY? I know that we broke up, but only because he was leaving. Not because we fought all the time or grew apart. Because he left. So of course, when he leaves that means he gets to string me along while he's obviously hanging out with his favorite person in the world that just looooves him. Can't you at least have the decency to tell me its over? Shit. post comment

[18 Sep 2007|09:14pm] [ mood | crushed ] So I'm doing that thing again. That thing where I have to get over someone, but miss them too much. So I get mad at them for no reason and they think I'm absolutely crazy lol. I swear I'm not insane okay? Its just easier to hate you than to miss you. So when you don't make any move to talk to me and make me feel so stupid, it helps me hate you. So while I hate you for making me feel this way, its almost easier. Because if you were still the old you, that called me names that I usually hate and text me goodnight and goodmorning and made me feel like the best person in the entire world, it would be harder. If you would still do anything to make me smile and got jealous over little jokes, then I'd want you even more. But now, I just want the old you. But hey, thats not going to happen. And since now you've seen the crazy side of me, I don't think it will in six months lol. But a girl can hope, right?   post comment

[17 Sep 2007|03:36pm] I'm not crazy. I just miss you. All I want to hear is that you want me too. post comment

[13 Sep 2007|05:22pm]  You know, I usually don't believe in fate. I mean come on, don't rely on some power to do things for you. If you just wait for stuff to happen, you're just wasting your time. But god damn, if fate could put me right where I need to be that would be perfect. post comment

[31 Aug 2007|10:28pm] [ mood | excited ] Today was long lol. Dallas left at like 1:30 this morning cause we fell asleep watching a movie, then I had to get up at 5:30 for freshman first day of school. So I was there from 6:30 to 11:30, then went to work from 1 to 9:30. So I'm tired! BUT I AM SO FREAKING HAPPY. According to David Compton, my admissions counselor, I will be attending Western Oregon University in March. Thatssss right, its official. I'm graduating in January, finishing my math credit at PCC and working until March, where I'll be a 17 year old college student. How excited am I? Today I just wasn't in a good mood for some reason, I don't know why. But then my dad calls and starts crying on the phone because he's so happy lol. This isn't unusual, he cries a lot. He was just like 'This is one of the best weeks of my life. Ali bought her own car, and you got into college a year early. You're both so independant, I'm so proud.' That was nice to hear, considering the man never compliments us except to say we're looking good. He also said 'I'm not giving you any money, but you can have my old computer and I'll drive you down there!' So thats cool, I get a computer that maybe I can somehow trade for a laptop haha. Lets just hope he makes it to take me to Monmouth. I know its not that big of a deal, everyone gets into college. But I was worried I couldn't do it, so I'm really proud of myself for being accepted without even applying lol. I just went and talked to them and they weren't hesitant at all. They want me, they don't think I'm a waste of a student. So first college, next I'll get my license haha. I can't waittt :) post comment

Excited [27 Aug 2007|09:22pm] [ mood | contemplative ] I'm tired of drama lol. Everyone says that, but there is drama anyway. So I'm doing something about it. I'm going for early graduation, which means come January, I'm outta here! Now all I have to do is figure out whether I want to stay home and go to PCC and work, or go straight to Western Oregon for spring semester. If I had my way, I'd go straight to Monmouth lol. The only problem is financial aid. More like the fact that I won't get any ha. But seriously, I want to gooo. I love my life, I really do. I have people that love me and support me and my mom is like my best friend lol. But I need a change. I'm going crazy about everything. Friends, boys, family, school, work, money, appearances.  Everything is kind of falling apart it seems like. I finally found someone that makes me happy, but thats not okay with everyone else lol. I want to be there for everyone, but nobody wants me around. So I'm not going to just sit around and wait for people to realize that I'm still here. So I'm not going to be here anymore. I'm leaving. I'm not running from my problems or giving up. I'm just changing. And I'm really freaking excited about it, so be happy for me? Thanks :) post comment

[23 Aug 2007|11:04pm] So freaking happy it hurts. post comment

[22 Aug 2007|09:14pm] [ mood | sad ] You know, before yesterday I was really really happy. I'm still really happy, just dissapointed at the same time.  Yesterday I got the guilt trip and had plans cancelled because I had to see a boy for one freaking minute. So I had my best friend cancel on me, then I had to cancel on a boy that actually likes me because I felt bad for hanging out with him. I shouldn't have to choose between my friends, family, and a boy. Yea, I haven't hung out with a lot of people all summer, but I didn't think it was such a big deal. I figured people got tired of sitting at my house, since I'm like never allowed to go anywhere. And I just started hanging out with this boy that makes me happy, and now I'm a bad friend? Hes leaving in two weeks, give me a break please. Obviously I want to hang out with everyone else, but since hes the only one that invited me to do anything, what am I supposed to do? Should I just sit at home and wait for a maybe when I'm guaranteed that someone genuinely wants to see me and is happy when I'm around? No. I'm sorry we don't hang out as much, I thought we were all just busy. I didn't know me having plans was such a big deal. I'm sorry I'm happy. post comment

[10 Aug 2007|02:36pm] Hi hi hi hi hi. Its been a while. Maybe I don't write as often because my life is extremely boring? lol its true. I went to my cousins wedding on Sunday, where the bride and groom, after dating for five years, had their first kiss. Their first kiss, EVER. Oh my god, I can't last five weeks lol. So that was interesting. Besides that, I haven't really done much. I had senior pictures on Wednesday! That was fun except that I was wearing a ton of makeup lol. But I'm not going to complain about a photographer telling me I'm gorgeous for three hours haha. I've just been working basically. Ali and I did the tournament last week, which was a lot of fun. Bri told Ali and I we have to go to prom with Levi and Cody because we're all twins hahaha. And now I'm back at my regular job, which I looove lol. Come visit me, its Just Sports, in the mall :) Jarrett just called me. We went to lunch and on the way home I asked him about a lawsuit he's in. He goes 'thats a pretty ballsy question'. I was taken aback lol I didn't know I wasn't supposed to ask. So he called me and explained that he didn't mean ballsy as a bad thing, he meant that he has friends he's known his whole life that don't ask him about it. He was impressed that I trusted him enough I guess, or that I was confident enough to ask. I like that about Jarrett. He always makes sure we are happy and he never leaves us with the wrong impression about anything. And he treats me like an adult, he doesn't hide things. I hate liars. post comment

[31 Jul 2007|10:56am] [ mood | calm ] [ music | Pieces -Rascal Flatts ] Hmmm its been a while. We went to the beach on Saturday! I've wanted to go to the beach since December lol finally I got to. It just makes me feel better, you know? Just sitting there. I taught Sara how to cha-cha on the beach lol. We flirted with the lifegaurds. We took pictures. We had FUN. Then we went to the fair, which was also fun. I rode the scariest rides! I feel like a grown-up now, I can ride big rides :) Even though I screamed the entire time (not even kidding). Thats pretty much my life right now. I work today! I decided I love my job. We aren't allowed to do returns or anything, I rarely have to ring people up, and the cuuuute boys :) Basically its my dream job lol. I haven't hung out with Krislyn and Celeste like, all summer. I miss them :( Its partly my fault, either I'm busy or don't feel good. But they do stuff without me too lol. Oh well, when school starts we'll go back to being inseperable, right? Yesterday was what Sara and I call 'a bad day'. Original, I know. Lol our bad days are when we can't stop thinking about someone and we feel so freaking alone it makes me have to leave the house and do something, or I'll just sit there and have my bad day. I hate bad days. I want to be happy all the time. post comment

[23 Jul 2007|01:08pm] I want so many things, its hard to keep them track anymore. I want my dad to not be dieing, and I want to not be lonely and sad, and I want to have a million friends and boys loving me and I just want everything in my life to be perfect. I know that my dad not being sick would impact me the most. I didn't think it affected me that much. Obviously I have been upset forever about it and I know I'm different, but I hoped I was over my pissy stage of knowing hes dieing.  It really hit me how little he knows me this weekend. I know I'm hard to get along with sometimes and can be a total brat, but I'm not that bad, am I? I have some friends, I had a boyfriend for a couple weeks... Jarrett always wants to hang out, my mom loves it when we do stuff together. Hell, I spent the whole weekend with Chrissy (my stepmom). I mean, I can't be that bad of a person, right? So why doesn't he want to know me? He knows that I listen to a lot of different music, that I eat corn like he does, that I don't like to swim. Big deal. So we'll eat corn while sitting on dry land listening to the radio. He doesn't know me at all. He also hates that I laugh loud. I'm pretty mellow when we hang out, I'm pretty quiet for my standards. But hes funny, so of course I laugh. He tells me my laugh is too loud. For some reason, this just bothers me. Telling me not to sing in the car, not to dance in public, to be quiet, whatever. I've been told not to do plenty of things. But laughing is like telling me I'm still alive, it reminds me life doesn't suck. So telling me to stop laughing is like telling me to stop living (figuratively, of course). I don't know, it just doesn't make sense to me. He loves Sam, he even likes Chris more than he likes me. I don't know what I did to make him not want to know his own daughter. Last night I was so upset about everything. I was just sitting on my moms bed bawling lol. I don't know what has happened to me, I haven't been this sad in a long time. It's like someone said something about someone, and now I can't stop thinking about them. People love rubbing my mistakes in my face. Why would you do that? I know I did it wrong, its my one regret in life. So shut up about it already. I just want to go back to being happy. post comment

[19 Jul 2007|07:28pm] "I love that you get cold when it is 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." -When Harry Met Sally So I did something stupid yesterday lol. I posted a stupid entry on this thing about someone stupid that I have finally given up on. For good. Lucky for me, I deleted it this morning! But still, it felt good to write all this crap down about how hurt I was and how much I thought I needed him. The truth is though, I don't need anybody. Especially someone that breaks promises and lies to my face. Nobody needs that. My advice to whoever reads this (and I'm pretty sure nobody does lol) is to just get over it. You don't need somebody that makes you feel like shit everytime you talk. Sometimes, you can't be friends. You aren't always going to win, and thats okay. post comment

[17 Jul 2007|01:36pm] [ mood | bored ] Holler. I'm bored. And cold. I went camping with Stephanie this weekend! We went with a bunch of Narcotics Anonymous people, it was so much fun! Everyone there was soooo nice, it was crazy. I was on the hug squad, so now I have my 'official hugger' shirt that is huge lol. I was bummed about missing the Sara Bareilles concert on Friday though, so Ali and Sara bought me a t-shirt and a poster that she signed. Isn't that nice?! I was so touched. I just got back from drving with Jarrett, he's worse than mom lol. He's the typical dad teaching you to drive and being so freaked out, he practically hyperventilates everytime I turn the corner. I love it though, its fun driving his truck. I wish my dad would let me drive him. I'm going to try and convince Mimi to sell me the convertible when I get my license, how sweet would that be?! Hmm thats pretty much all thats going on in my life. No school, no job, no love life. Boring. I want Starbucks Peppermint Hot Chocolate :( post comment

[12 Jul 2007|11:35pm] Its hot outside. Want to know something I hate? When people have to win. If I say its hot outside, don't say 'well its hotter in Oklahoma right now.' Who gives a shit about Oklahoma? Does that change the weather here? No. You don't always have to win, always have to have one up. Just let me complain sometimes, it won't kill you lol. OMGOSH! Just Sports called me today, and they asked if I wanted to have an interview tomorrow! HELL YES I WANT AN INTERVIEW! Of course, I'm going camping tomorrow, so they're going to call back on Momday lol. But still, I get an interview!! I need a freaking job so baddddd. Hopefully the universe will send me something good :). Hmm yea, thats pretty much it. Nightttt! 1 comment|post comment

[10 Jul 2007|10:52pm] I never met him. I knew who he was, but I've never talked to him. I'm still sad though. You'd be crazy not to be sad. Sixteen year old dies, and you aren't sad? How everybody is feeling now, I've felt for the past six months. I wish they would remember that, and know its okay to talk to me. I know exactly how you feel, and it hurts like hell. If you don't want to talk, its okay. I think people forget though, its okay to be sad. About anything. You don't have to be tough all the time. It's okay to be sad. Just don't forget that I'm here, and I'm okay with you being sad. You can be sad with me however long you want, I'll wait. post comment

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